Two Hungry Lions Come Upon an
Elephant About to Eat Marijuana
Hey, Elephant. How ya doing? We see you enjoying
a ganja snack. Mind if we claw some of it back?
We’re lions, you see, so it goes against the grain
of our nature to stand idly by watching you eat
your cannabis and listening to you smack your lips.
In fact, it kinda ticks us off. We consider it rude and
anti-social that you refuse to be jovial and don’t wanna
share your marijuana. Such inhospitality sets our minds
ill at ease and actually gives us panic attacks. So Elephant,
do heed my note of urgent warning, for I’m not playing:
We, the Kings of Beasts, would rather jump on that tasty
sativa and take it down like a juicy zebra. Even now our
blood runs hot and our paws strain in the blocks with all
we got not to charge at you. No offense. I’m just saying
it’s rough being a lion always out looking to slay things.
ELEPHANT REPLIES
Now look here Lions. I worked hard for this marijuana.
Under the blazing African sun on the Savanna I stood
with great patience shading this cannabis plant when it
was trying to grow in spite of mosquitoes, bees and ants.
And when all those insects crawled and flew around
I furiously flapped my massive ears, dashing them to
the ground where, using my mighty elephant feet, I
ground them into bug meat. Now you’re telling me
you feel you deserve a big piece of my ganja treat?
THE LIONS TAKE A MENACING STEP FORWARD
Okay, Elephant. We get your drift and take your point.
But wouldn’t it be decadent and time not well-spent
If you caused great resentment by eating all the buds?
You shouldn’t hesitate to share with chums! We don’t
want to get into a scrum that could lead into a bloody
outcome when all we need is a few crumbs of your
cannabis sativa to make us so much more agreeable.
It’s rough out here. We’re just mellow lions chillin and
trying to get by. Sure we’d like to cop a buzz and get high.
ELEPHANT CRIES OUT
I sprayed water on this cannabis from my trunk during
shriveling droughts so it wouldn’t stunt and I charged at
hippies who came to pick it on their marijuana hunts. So
to you who wish to eat it now I say Harumph! Harumph!
Elephant grows indignant at this point. Her huge nose gets
all out of joint. Rearing up on her hind legs, she throws her
trunk back oe’r her head and trumpets her acute distress
for miles across the Africa plain: ROAWRR! and ROAWRR!
THE LIONS TAKE ANOTHER MENACING STEP FORWARD
Elephant, we’re not philosophers — we’re carnivores and
we salivate. This is why we have to rule out debate. So now
we’re going to charge at you and eat that ganja at your feet.
ELEPHANT CRIES OUT AGAIN
Harumph! Harumph! ROAWRR! ROAWRR!